Doing anything to have a child; how do you take care of your relationship?

Tips from a psychologist.

There is a lot of talk that having children can pose challenges for relationships. But strangely enough, there is almost no discussion at all about what a challenge it can be to try to have children in the first place, and what that can mean for the relationship. This is despite the fact that there is a lot of research on the high stress levels infertility causes and the pressure it puts on the relationship.

The ability to communicate is put to the test when navigating stress, grief and big decisions. Even more so when the individuals have different ways of reacting and dealing with the challenges. Maybe one of you feels a lot of stress that nothing is happening, while the other doesn’t feel any sense of urgency. Maybe one of you wants to invite others into the process, while the other doesn’t want to share your journey. A miscarriage can be a great sorrow for one of you, while the other wants to look ahead at what’s next. Supporting each other, taking care of yourselves, and at the same time being respectful of each other's feelings can be difficult.

It’s also easy for the relationship to fall into a "focus zone" where you become more task-oriented than relationship-oriented. For most people, for example, sex quickly transitions from being about pleasure to becoming a chore. In the long run, this creates a risk of permanent distance in the relationship - both emotionally and physically. It is important to consciously try to create a balance between the task- and relationship-oriented work. Between the timed intercourse and medical procedures, it is important to also try to maintain closeness and some form of gratitude and joy.

Anna at Tilly has, based on her own experiences and dialogues with Tilly's community, identified a number of challenges and difficult feelings that many are faced with. She and Linn Heed, a registered psychologist, registered psychotherapist and sexologist at Coupleness , share concrete tips for how to deal with them.

1. Different ways of dealing with adversity and uncertainty
2. Big decisions
3. Sex on demand
4. Feelings of shame and guilt
5. How do we continue to prioritize the relationship?
6. When it feels like you hold all the responsibility